Sunday, January 16, 2011

Girl-Friend Drama!!


I saw this beautiful piece of Bro-knowledge on facebook, and it caught my attention as it had a lot of truth. Firstly let me S/O to all the Bros in relationships, i don't know how you manage but may the Good Lord be with you! 

Okay let me explain to you how i know all this truth. I have been in relationships, quite few though, i am a serious advocate for one night stands and friends with benefits! So being in that bondage, set upon myself by myself, i learnt alot, much like rappers in prison. I came out different, more enlightened, illuminated!!

The last one was the most trying. She exhibited a lot of the a fore mentioned, A LOT!! Crying for, to me, no reason whatsoever. Expecting me to remember dates and shit. And giving me hints...FUCK I HATE HINTS!! 

Hints make me feel stupid. Don't both of us flipping understand English or something. Let me expanciate on that...

It was a couple of days after i was claimed as a boyfriend and i agreed. Okay, firstly i wasn't in the least sexually crazy about the babe. Straight to the point she wanted to bone me, or I bone her, complicated like that.

So about 2 days after "conviction" she started talking all this shit of how to bang, who is banging in our area, the perfect kiss and shit...i was like yh yh cool, i'm working on my second program!! She upped the "hint" with kissing me when i wasn't suspecting and when i started having dumb-ass bugs i restrained her from coming over.

Then finally she got me alone, i was pretty konji striken that day, and started bending over, looking for something that fell on the other side of the bed (yh rite...) and being Sherlock Holmey and Mark Zuckerbergy i just looked straight at her and asked her, do you want me to bone you??? she sat up (no longer looking) and started blush-laughing and saying how funny i was, asked her again and the rest is rubber-sealed!

Point is girls are not likely to say kiss me, like in the movies, or shag me silly like in the cheap porns, but are more likely to be uptight, so take control, but be certain, like in the movies you will just see it in her eyes. And don't be like me, it can be pretty awkward, can't you tell from the story that i was like a tiny dumb idiot, programming dancing clip over a nice hottie, smh stupid me!!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Women in a Geek's Brain

WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
---------------------------
Element: Women
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted at 53.6 kg, but known to vary between 40 &
200 kg
Occurences: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious
stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no know
reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly when
saturated in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained
at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct
contact with each other.

This is a piece by Sam Okorie, a now certified bawse!!!
Send your craziest ideas and get a chance for it to be placed on this worldwide pedestal 
To p.boykoko2@gmail.com

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

2011 the Year of the Bawses

2011...THE YEAR OF THE BAWSES



Well 2010 was aiaaa, like Eminem’s Relapse. We fell into awkward positions and rose from them. We bid farewell to legendary Bros, like the Certified Bro from Bonny M. We watched Chris Brown and T.I get back up and yedi yedi yee.

But we found out something new, and incredible, we discovered the way of the Bawse. Urghhh I think i’m big mitch!! We accustomed ourselves and totally immersed ourselves in the bawse way. Now as we enter 2011 and geeks are fading out, it is time to get your 60s Italian Mafia Shades and Bawse Up!

As a brophet i am telling you that this year, bawses will pay non-bawses little cash from their stockpile. I say unto thee that this year bawses will speak as they like and non-bawses will swallow every word like their lives...actually their lives depend on it. That this year bawses will collect babes from non-bawses in an unprecedented way, no force but sheer bawse power, no struggle just in a bawsey way.

Okay, i’ve covered the main aspects of a Bro’s life if he becomes a bawse, he has chicks, money and very successful in life (no matter how successful an employee he cannot be more successful than his bawse) *African proverb* Okro  taller than owner, never!!

So as you enter this year, do not listen to Neyo, to whom every year is that of the gentleman; or new boys...dude you cannot really be new since then and you cannot change your name to boys, smhv for them, skinnys are just getting really juvenile and somewhat gay; or to Lady Gaga and Katy Perry who are trying to weed out weak men with aggressive techniques (dust yahning born this way and fireworks shooting from your belly...smh they think we are stupid abi!!)

But listen to the Bro within you, telling you in very certain ways that you have to leave your juvenile ways and become a certified bawse...the next level in your Bro-Hierarchy. Challenge yourself to grow a nice beard, talking with a large voice and urghh whenever you please. Challenge yourself to switch from random to exclusive, to build up your stack b’cus as the recession ends if you don’t plant, the garden will be full when you want to!! 

Bro... Chinese Bros, Yeah!!!

Bros Guide for a New Year’s Eve Party
Okay for a new year eve...umm sorry all my non-Chinese Bros as this is coming late (hey i jst learnt it too). And don't you just love China, two countdowns plus Valentine, like at least 4 slut it up parties in 3 months, beautiful life!! Okay for a new year eve, the rules are much the same for any other party like: -

·         Wear a shiny shirt, pink or something bright (no orange), girls, like fishes are attracted to shiny objects, and you will be easier to remember, for a drunk chick
·         Wear something free below, no jeans allowed, you want the man free
·         As soon as you enter go for the hottest chick, you just don’t know!!
·         Okay then go for the chick with the biggest booty, you just don’t know either!!
·         Then get a drink and party, with as much babes as you possibly can, you really don’t want to be married on the dance-floor!!
·         Don’t over drink b’cus it is expensive!! (in clubs though) and b’cus it will dull on the sensations and you’ll probably not remember the girl you’ll bang (Ghaad, that is worse than not banging atall (Ghaad...smh *really bad*)

Then for the new year part, there is a twist for the new year because of the count-down ish
·         About 30 minutes to the countdown, retreat to a good viewing area and spot the girl you want to bang
·         Watch her movement and make a move 10mins to the countdown
·         If she is with somebody else (not a Bro who has called dibs) then use all the party tricks to pry her away (*party-tricks is another story)
·         About 15seconds to the new year, tell her something romantic like (i cannot believe i’m entering the new year with you, i will rather be nowhere else, with no other person right now...*looking into her eyes like she touched your soul*)
·         Your blah blah should end about when it is 2!!, she will stare back at you, and Bro... common...Bro...common, you know what to do!!
·         Call her out and you are going to get some on the 1st! yeah!!!!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Out of Service!!

This is the saddest post ever but i'm compiling a lot of Broformation on the good side. I'm in a village on a tour and research on the Bro-relationship in the basic 9ja village and how they get around getting laid. I didn't expect no internet but there is no even cell-phone network. I ran to Lagos for a day to post this so at least you all will know i am alive...

Thanks once again


Sirdobo Murkel!!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Something Serious is Happening--->El Dorado in Nou Camp

El – Classico
If you are wondering about the blog's changes it's because of the heading all the colours are representatives of the traditional colours of the heavy weights involved...

















Bros we have come to that time of the year when chicks are abandoned for  the mesmerizing dance of the lights on a television set. The time when Osama Bin Laden where’s a Barcelona Jersey and drinks Heineken, when Prince Charles drinks Smirnoff Ice and is clad in only boxers, when numerous chicks sleep really early and curse football hehehe. The greatest footballing event of mankind is here again, the Spanish El-Classico (Real Madrid, original Spaniards Vs Barcelona FC, original Catalans) *Carlos Santana playing some sexy Spanish fighting duel music on his guitar*

This year both teams have by far the best ballers in the world: Higuain, Pedro, Puyol, Pepe, Ozil, Xavi, Iniesta, Di Maria, Sergio Ramos, Dani Alves, Gerard Pique, Carvalho...e.t.c and definitely the best young coaches, Guardiola and Mourinho. But beyond this is the greatest Bro endorsed battle of all-time probably, to be the King of the Footballing World!! *Some Steven Spielberg movie soundtrack*

Forget Rooney, forget Ibrahimovic and forget Sneijder, for there can be no doubting that Messi and Ronaldo are the only two men who can rightfully lay claim to the title of the world's best.

Don't take my word for it, even the 'Special One' confirmed as much earlier this season when quizzed on the subject.

“There are two options," said Mourinho. "Cristiano, and Messi."

However, the outspoken Portuguese tactician, well versed in making outlandish and controversial remarks throughout the years, took it one step further by offering his unique view on who is the numero uno -  a debate that continues to polarize opinion amongst footballing purists.

"If you consider Cristiano to be one, then Messi is two. But for me it is clear - Cristiano is number one," he lauded.

Ronaldo himself appears to concur with his boss' assessment, telling Spanish television recently, "I'm the bigger player,"before adding with a wry smile "at least I'm taller and broader."

"Messi is in a phenomenal moment right now - loads of goals and exhibition football," he continued

"The whole world seems to want to talk about Messi and me, but Barca and Madrid are not one-man teams. We are very different types of footballers, but I'm quite sure that during my years at the Bernabeu I'm going to be one of the best players in the world."

But the question remains, is Real's powerful stallion really better than Barcelona's scampering magician, and the current World and European Player of the Year?

Such has been the consistency of Messi's performances over the past two years, not to mention the level of impact that he has had in the games (does anyone remember his Maradona-esque goal against Getafe?) that even the Spanish press are running out of superlatives for the boy from Rosario.

After a sublime hat-trick against Real Zaragoza last season, which followed a glorious treble against Valencia the weekend before, La Vanguardia used a plethora of adjectives to describe the diminutive genuis, lauding him as"unrivalled" and "unrepeatable". High praise indeed.
Barcelona daily Sport declared that "Messi is the God of football," while continuing the trend of plundering a thesaurus to find new and more creative ways of describing La Blaugrana's mesmeric No.10, by stating that he was not only"stratospheric", but also "divine" and "extraordinary."
Possibly the greatest compliment however came inside El Mundo Deportivo after they offered the equation,"Maradona + Ronaldo = Messi". No need to be a mathematical genuis to understand that one!

But arguably Messi's greatest quality is the love for the game he displays in every match he plays and every goal he scores. The child-like qualities he exudes as if he were having a knock about in the back streets of Rosario are to be admired most.

For Ronaldo, the Madeira-born star's greatest asset is his bloody mindedness - his unshakeable belief in his own ability and his desire - almost palpable - to be the greatest footballer of this era or indeed any era, which usually means scoring a bucketful of goals.

So while Ronaldo has bedazzled the watching public with his power, explosiveness and directness, Messi has enchanted us with his ballerina-like movement, his dribbling and his velcro-like touch.
Indeed, to compare these two very different footballing gladiators is akin to debating the merits of Rafa Nadal and Roger Federer in tennis. One a street-fighting bull-fighter, the other poetry in motion.

However, both are still masters at their chosen art. And that is exactly what Ronaldo and Messi are, the only difference being that they paint very different pictures. Think Monet and Picasso.
Both men come into the game in arguably the form of their lives with Messi having scored an incredible 17 goals in his last 10 games for Barca - during which he has netted his sixth hat-trick of 2010 for the club and his 150th official goal for Barca.

Interestingly though, Messi has yet to notch a goal or even an assist in seven attempts against teams managed by Mourinho.

However, before Real fans get too excited, the last time a fact like this was given due diligence - Messi's goal drought against English sides - he proceeded to net a towering header in the 2009 Champions League final to break Manchester United hearts.

Ronaldo on the other hand has netted 17 times in his last 12 outings for Madrid in all competitions, while he has netted a staggering 50 goals in just 53 appearances for the Spanish giants - achieving the feat quicker than any other player in Los Blancos' illustrious history.

But in yet another intriguing subplot - the Portuguese superstar has yet to notch against the mighty Barca in five previous meetings - even missing a penalty in the Nou Camp during the semi-final of the Champions League in 2008 when at United.

Another chapter of the 'Messi or Ronaldo' debate will be written in the Nou Camp - a citadel of football utopia - on Monday evening, with both men battling it out for centre stage.
So who is the best? We will leave you to decide...

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Wingman Time Bros

Article 13
All Bros Shall dub one of their Bros his wingman

In these trying times of feminist women, lovers and immense support for the LGBT (sounds like KGB) and a general all time high for women confidence...damn you Oprah and Ellen!! It is ever more necessary to have with you a special Bro. Don’t get me wrong don’t go...no...no not switching to Bros but have a Bro that will be to you as Shaggy to Scooby. Okay to make this easy a man’s life is like riding a fighter jet (you have a lot of women to take down), and as a true fighter will know, you are rubbish (in a tough fight though) without your wingman.

Your wingman is that Bro who will get you a chick who is trying to fuck up his paroles, a wingman is the Bro who will help you distract a hot chick’s friend/friends so you can execute a full frontal attack, a wingman is closer than a brother or may be your brother, without a wingman you will never succeed in life, a Formula 1 driver without a team! So now that I have stressed the need of a wingman it is time for you to think deeply and Dub yourself a wingman.

EXAMPLES OF FAMOUS MEN AND THEIR WINGMEN
Michael Jordan----Scott Pippen
Kobe Bryant-----Shaquille O’Neal
Lionel Messi------Xavi Hernandes
John Tucker-----John Tucker’s Bro
Van Wilder------Pot Nigga
Goodluck Jonathan-----Sambo dude
Don Jazzy-----D’banj
M.I-----Jesse Jags
Kanye West----Jay-Z
Birdman----Lil-Wayne

The list goes on people...without the other, the other will fail and become considerable less effective, so get your A-game on and get yourself a wingman.


*BUZZ THIS WEEK*
This week a lot of things has popped considerably...first the discovery that “Hala at ur Boii” was some dubbed shit...smh, wizkid that wasn’t Bro-like of you, if you were a Bro before we at 9ja bro have suspended you till all this is cleared read more at UP NEPA!: Is this where Wizkid got 'Holla at your boy' from?[VIDEO]


Secondly the daftest nigga in the whole world Soulja Boi declares his love for Kat Stacks...smh read that at Let's Do It 

And for all the new music which i cannot put here individually, just check out Real Music  it is my daily drug so as a Bro i gotta share it with you